Answering Viewer Questions on ABC News Now
I’ll be on ABC News Now’s program “Good Money” talking about ways to get more value out of your everyday purchases, as well as answering viewer questions. Hope you’ll tune in.
The comments function is fixed on the site (hooray!) and watch for more exciting upgrades in the next few days. If you don’t feel like registering you can always send me your comments at laura at laurarowley dot com. Today I thought I’d feature an email I got from a reader responding to the Kerrigan Family post I did the other day. This email made me sad, and made me think hard about what I do to instill in my kids a sense of cooperation, fairness and respect for each other. Here’s the email:
I never had any kids, but I do have a “black sheep” older brother who called me up out of the blue and demanded a loan. I said I’d think about it. He needed to know right away. I said I’d think about it. That was the beginning of a multiyear silence. This wasn’t the first time he’d asked for or just taken something of mine, just the first time it happened when we were both adults and I had the courage to say no. I aways wanted a brother I could trust, but I guess that just wasn’t to be.
Neither option (saying no or donating to his cause and setting myself up for the next demand) was a pleasant choice but the least painful/harmful was saying no. You cannot avoid pain in this situation — your decision making should be based on what is the best response for the long term.
Responsible people think of loans as a commitment. My brother thinks of the word “loan” as something you say to trick someone into giving you a windfall. I wonder how much life experience with your child you have to ignore to get into a situation where you have known them for 45 years and you are suing them in court to get your money back. How trustworthy were they when they were 35 years younger, with smaller amounts and smaller commitments? Did they follow through on their commitments then? Show any genuine remorse at failing to meet obligations?
Between the parents – who is in favor of extending the loan and who is not? Were both the mother and father OK with granting the loan or just one of them and the other acquiescing to buy temporary peace? What would the cost of a showdown on this issue between the parents be? There is a continuum of responses to the request for a “loan” that they may have considered:
- saying no
- being honest about what the request is for, a gift, not a loan – after all,
he’s been their son for 45 years and if anyone should know their borrower,
it would be the parents – did love blind them to 45 years of experience?
- saying yes once, and indicating that this is a one-off, and that you
expect prompt payment and no more such requests
- saying yes once and getting a commitment in writing, i.e. “I promise to pay so much to so and so on such a date.” so you can enforce it in court
- saying yes without conditions, without a schedule for repayment, without a plan for repayment, and without limits to your future generosity.
From Shakespeare’s Hamlet, 1603:
LORD POLONIUS:
Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
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